A runner lines up for a race and, as the gun goes off, he sprints in the wrong direction.
When asked why, he says, “I just wanted to see if anyone would follow me.”
A doctor accidentally drops a scalpel during surgery.
He looks at the patient and says, “Well, let’s just call it ‘minimal invasion.’”
A man stares at his garden and says, “I planted patience, but I’m still waiting for it to grow.”
A fisherman reels in a fish and the fish says, “Please let me go, and I’ll grant you a wish!”
The fisherman replies, “No thanks. I’d rather have dinner.”
A baker forgets to put sugar in the cake. When customers complain, he says, “It’s a new recipe—‘Diet Delight.’”
A man says to his cat, “All you do is sleep and eat!”
The cat yawns and replies, “I call it multitasking.”
A man takes his dog to work. The dog sighs and says, “I thought we were supposed to have weekends off.”
A man walks into a barber shop and asks, “Can you give me a haircut that makes me look younger?”
The barber replies, “Sure, I’ll shave off 10 years.”
A tourist asks a local for directions, and the local says, “You can’t get there from here.”
A chef is cooking and suddenly shouts, “I forgot to add the salt!”
His assistant says, “Don’t worry. Just call it ‘bland cuisine.’”
A dog refuses to chase after a ball. His owner asks, “Why aren’t you playing?”
The dog sighs and replies, “I’m tired of doing all the work.”
A man tries to use his calculator but it won’t turn on.
He says, “Looks like my calculations just hit rock bottom.”
An artist shows his painting to a friend and says, “What do you think?”
The friend looks confused and says, “Is it finished?”
The artist replies, “It’s abstract. It’s never finished.”
A man goes for a jog but stops halfway through.
His friend asks, “Why did you stop?”
The man replies, “I didn’t want to overachieve.”
A professor starts a lecture, then pauses and says, “Wait, which class is this again?”
A man finds a frog who says, “Kiss me and I’ll turn into a princess!”
The man replies, “I’d rather keep you as a talking frog.”
A man asks his cat, “What should I do with my life?”
The cat yawns and replies, “Nap on it.”
A golfer swings and misses the ball completely.
His caddy says, “At least you didn’t hit it out of bounds.”
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime but forgets his notepad.
He says, “Looks like I’ll have to solve this one by memory.”
A man teaches his dog to sit and says, “See? He listens to me!”
The dog rolls its eyes and says, “Barely.”
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